On May 7th I'm turning 20 yrs old, I feel very excited but at the same time very disappointed in myself because I have not lost enough weight. I want to lose at least 30 lbs a day for the month of April, 1 lb a day will make me happy. I'm planning on doing meal replacement shakes the entire time, twice a day until the month ends. I'm starting it off with a fast for April 1st and 2nd and then starting the shakes from the third to the 30th. It doesn't seem too difficult to do but I will keep up to date on it. I was hoping I could get some recommendations from a reader, if anything really works efficiently. Please let me know. 

First week

So now that I'm back on the bandwagon I have been eating vegetarian spring rolls from natural grocers for lunch. Today is Monday, I work at a dental office so we go from 9 to 6 every weekday. It is an absolutely great distraction from food I absolutely loved it and also I am fairly certain that my boyfriend thinks I'm super fat also. I had about 700 calories today but it would have been less if I hadn't screwed up twice. I had a soda and an iced coffee at some point but I can forgive myself since this is still my first day. Tomorrow I plan to go to the gym after work hopefully it all goes as planned. The spring rolls I have been eating are 60 calories each so I am pretty satisfied with that. I had that and a sandwich when I got home. It is a bit bumpy but tomorrow will be better I just have to keep telling myself that. It is so incredibly sad that I don't feel as in love with my boyfriend as I used to. Last night I cried and cried until I fell asleep. Only Ana can save me now.

Back to thin

I had deleted my old blog a while ago but now I am halfway through my "recovery" and have ultimately decided  to just go back to the only thing that has ever truly filled my heart with joy. Being thin and beautiful will always be with me. I must be honest though something intense triggered this but I believe it is for the best. This may seem a bit hard to believe but all my life I never had anyone who truly loved me and showed me intense affection regardless of anything else just for being me. Then 3 years ago I met this guy and it seemed like he didn't give a fuck about anything else but me and who I really was on the inside. I believed with all my heart that he truly loved me and it gave me the strength and love to say "fuck all this" and just eat and live a "normal" life. However that was not the case at all, about a month ago he told me he liked someone else. Also keep in mind that we are engaged now. He told me he liked her because she reminded him of a friend he once had that I supposedly took him away from. I always had suspicions that he liked that girl his so called friend, so I questioned him about it up until the beginning of this year. So then I believed that he didn't like that old friend anymore and immersed myself in our love. A couple months after that I found out he liked this new girl that he told me reminded him of her. So when I found out I cried for weeks and begged him to stop and to stop talking to her and texting her and telling her how sweet and awesome she is. Despite my tears he never... stopped. I felt like everything we had was an absolute lie. Love doesn't exist for me like that no one can ever love me for who I am. The only thing I have left is my beautiful I would much rather suffer as a beautiful young woman than as an ugly fat little girl. From now on that is all I want for myself nothing is ever going to be better nobody is ever going to truly care for me that way so now I only have one thing to look forward to.... Being thin =).