My new favorite drink and update

I feel completely mentally prepared to just be done with being over weight. My wedding came and left and I had an awesome time. Now I only live with my husband and I see him after 6 so I have all day to control my habits. I lost 4 lbs this week just by diet alone which is great for me but I still feel fat and I want to lose more. My new favorite drink is called sparkling ice. The back says there is lots and lots of vitamins in it 3% juice and contains green tea extract. Also the best part is it is 0 calories. I officially renounce soft drinks from now on only coffee and sparkling ice for me. I love it it is so refreshing and delicious and just simply satisfying. I miss feeling this way. This morning I was lacking so many nutrients I felt light-headed and super happy. I want this always. My diet right now has been less than 1000 calories but I'm cutting it down to 500 calories max. I have only been eating dinner with my husband at night and having a small portion. I would say 2 handfuls of food. I only cook organic wholesome foods, that's all I eat ever. I sometimes have lunch during work but I only have one packet of oatmeal with water. I only drink water coffee and sparkling ice besides that. Yesterday I started eating pizza and I just stopped I didn't want it at all I want to be thin.

Before my wedding

I came up with a pretty good routine I'm starting next week. I'm going to workout for one hour after work every day and alternate between cardio and some light weight lifting from now until my wedding but I stress that I  do not want to gain any muscle mass because I am absolutely not comfortable with that. What I want is to be thinner for my beautiful dress. I can't wait to get started. I'm going to starve for the next two months until my wedding so I can look absolutely gorgeous I have all the make up skin care and hair care products I need and envisioned on myself that day so now all I need to do is put the effort in to fit into the beautiful classic princess wedding dress of my dreams. I will not fail myself and I will look gorgeous. If I do in my own personal opinion I will post a picture of my body the day prior to my special event. Wish me luck out there. I have various diet restrictions that I stick to when I successfully lose weight. First off no soda it makes you fat and has no nutritional value plus I want to feel thinner and thinner and soda just makes you bloated. Absolutely no breads or meat except for fish and seafood. No foods high in fat and absolutely no sweets. So you know its just the basics but thats fine with me as long as I work out as much as possible and eat healthy and light I know I can look beautiful on my day

The day before

Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm scared to check how much I weigh because I know it's a lot. I have been very stressed and on a very low calorie diet for the last few months. My period stopped a couple of months ago but I know for sure I'm not pregnant. I want to be thin and beautiful so badly for my 21 st birthday I really want to weigh 100 lbs. I really think I can do it in that time. I went to get my hair done and it looks very beautiful because I have thick Barbie like hair but it would look so much better on a thinner girl. I feel excited for my next birthday this one wasnt exactly happy

Birthday

My birthday is in a little over a week and I haven't lost nearly as much weight as I really wanted to I think I let the stress from my job get to me. I hope that for my wedding I can lose many many lbs. I'm getting married this summer and I feel super excited for it but I want to fit into a beautiful nice dress. I am going to spend $$$ on a wedding dress so I have to make sure my body is perfect for it I'm going to go get fitted for it in July so I need to come up with an amazing diet plan for the month of May. First off I can't eat after work anymore, I get off work at 6 so instead I should just go to the gym take a shower and drink lots of water afterwards and go to sleep. I also should just eat once per day during my lunch hour I feel like that is more than enough. I bought a bunch of the healthy choice frozen meals. They are still too many calories in my opinion (300-400) per box but I really need to get strict and serious with my weight loss. If I really don't take this seriously I am never going to lose enough weight. Luckily I have a co-worker who really motivates me and tells me to start going to the gym now because time goes by very fast. She is absolutely right. Also the slimstyles was really disgusting I wouldn't recommend it at all. I had it for over 2 weeks and the last time I had it I ended throwing it all up because it was so disgusting. I just couldn't handle it at all it made me feel really "full" but it was more like the fattest person ever and it made my stomach feel bloated. It's a really disgusting feeling so I would never ever do it again. I would like to blame my failure on the shakes but it was my fault because I made the decision to eat those things. I need to lose tons of weight I'm thinking that Monday I will try to do a fast with water and a yogurt to kickstart my weightloss. Then on Tuesday I can start eating my one meal and going to the gym afterwards. I think I want to go for one hour after work so that I get home around 7 thirty and then take a shower and go straight to bed instead of staying up thinking about the temptations of the fridge. I hate when I have thoughts about food. To me getting caught eating something tasty or high calorie is worse than getting caught watching porn. As strange as that sounds that is how ashamed I am of myself and I really don't want to feel this way anymore. The only solution is starvation nothing else can heal my broken heart.

Progress

Weekly progress update I have lost 6 pounds this week and I feel I am making good enough progress I don't feel any different but considering my size that is to be expected. I can't wait to lose more and more weight my wedding is in about three months and I must look perfect for it regardless of the cost I want to be beautiful. I keep thinking about the women who consistently talk about losing a few Pounds for their wedding and fail. I feel like they're an embarassment to women everywhere. I don't even understand why they make plus size wedding dresses it just doesn't make sense to me. Their lack of perseverance and inner strength truly bothers me. I know for a fact I want to look my best for my wedding day.i want to be happy and thin. The part I'm most worried about is the bridal lingerie. It really means so much to me to look beautiful. What bothers me and worries me is the bridal lingerie I want to look stunning and not fat so I need to do my best to look gorgeous.

Saturday April 7, 2012

Today I'm officially starting the weight loss drink mix, I was going to start it on Tuesday but I didn't actually get paid until Thursday and I ended up buying it last night. I finally reached an interesting point where I don't care about food it doesn't bring me any happiness anymore instead it leaves me feeling fat and sick I hate it so I'm going to purify my body by quitting food and these weight loss drinks are going to help me. I've also got my family convinced its a healthy alternative and I'm going to have enough nutrients and vitamins which isn't completely sure but I'm sure I will have more nourishment from this than the garbage I've been eating lately. I also bought a multi-vitamin with it. The way these drinks work is that they expand in your stomach in a similar way to bread and they make you feel full and control your appetite that way. I hope it works I have to drink plenty of water with this that is not an option for this diet. It literally forces me to drink water all day instead of poison soda.  Today for my first day I'm drinking 2, one right now as soon as my bottled water gets cold enough and another within 5 hours and that should be it for today. Usually we get Chinese food on Saturdays and if we do I'm going to get steamed vegetables to play it off no one can suspect what I'm doing I want to do this comfortably without anyone bothering me. I want to be happy again. I decided to weigh myself every Saturday so that way this experience can be less stressful and more relaxing. I'll write about my experiences today later tonight.

April

Diet Plan for the month of April 

1. Slimstyle meal replacement twice per day 
2. Thermogenic fat burner 4 times per day 
3. At least 30 mins of intense cardio per day 
4. No food other than meal replacement 
5. No sugars in drinks 
6. No drinks besides water with lemon, tea, ice cold water, plain coffee in limited quantities, and low calorie energy drinks as a last resort.    

• Week 1- 1 scoop of slimstyle meal replacement with 8 ounces of soymilk. 30 mins of cardio 
• Week 2- 2 scoops of slimstyle meal replacement with 8 ounces of soymilk. 1 hr of cardio 
• Week 3- 2 scoops of slimstyle meal replacement with 8 ounces of soymilk. 1 hr of cardio 
• Week 4- 1 1/2 scoops of slimstyle meal replacement with 8 ounces of soymilk. 30 mins of cardio 

Dates

Week 1- April 4- April 11

Week 2- April 12 - April 19

Week 3- April 20- April  27

Week 4- April 28- May 5st  

Meal times 

1st shake: 7:45 am 

2nd shake: 7:30 pm 

Fat burner 1: 8:20 am 

Fat burner 2: 1 pm 

Fat burner 3: 6 pm 

Fat burner 4: 8 pm 

Breakfast lemon water: 7:30 am 

16 oz of ice cold water required within an hour after each shake

On May 7th I'm turning 20 yrs old, I feel very excited but at the same time very disappointed in myself because I have not lost enough weight. I want to lose at least 30 lbs a day for the month of April, 1 lb a day will make me happy. I'm planning on doing meal replacement shakes the entire time, twice a day until the month ends. I'm starting it off with a fast for April 1st and 2nd and then starting the shakes from the third to the 30th. It doesn't seem too difficult to do but I will keep up to date on it. I was hoping I could get some recommendations from a reader, if anything really works efficiently. Please let me know. 

First week

So now that I'm back on the bandwagon I have been eating vegetarian spring rolls from natural grocers for lunch. Today is Monday, I work at a dental office so we go from 9 to 6 every weekday. It is an absolutely great distraction from food I absolutely loved it and also I am fairly certain that my boyfriend thinks I'm super fat also. I had about 700 calories today but it would have been less if I hadn't screwed up twice. I had a soda and an iced coffee at some point but I can forgive myself since this is still my first day. Tomorrow I plan to go to the gym after work hopefully it all goes as planned. The spring rolls I have been eating are 60 calories each so I am pretty satisfied with that. I had that and a sandwich when I got home. It is a bit bumpy but tomorrow will be better I just have to keep telling myself that. It is so incredibly sad that I don't feel as in love with my boyfriend as I used to. Last night I cried and cried until I fell asleep. Only Ana can save me now.

Back to thin

I had deleted my old blog a while ago but now I am halfway through my "recovery" and have ultimately decided  to just go back to the only thing that has ever truly filled my heart with joy. Being thin and beautiful will always be with me. I must be honest though something intense triggered this but I believe it is for the best. This may seem a bit hard to believe but all my life I never had anyone who truly loved me and showed me intense affection regardless of anything else just for being me. Then 3 years ago I met this guy and it seemed like he didn't give a fuck about anything else but me and who I really was on the inside. I believed with all my heart that he truly loved me and it gave me the strength and love to say "fuck all this" and just eat and live a "normal" life. However that was not the case at all, about a month ago he told me he liked someone else. Also keep in mind that we are engaged now. He told me he liked her because she reminded him of a friend he once had that I supposedly took him away from. I always had suspicions that he liked that girl his so called friend, so I questioned him about it up until the beginning of this year. So then I believed that he didn't like that old friend anymore and immersed myself in our love. A couple months after that I found out he liked this new girl that he told me reminded him of her. So when I found out I cried for weeks and begged him to stop and to stop talking to her and texting her and telling her how sweet and awesome she is. Despite my tears he never... stopped. I felt like everything we had was an absolute lie. Love doesn't exist for me like that no one can ever love me for who I am. The only thing I have left is my beautiful I would much rather suffer as a beautiful young woman than as an ugly fat little girl. From now on that is all I want for myself nothing is ever going to be better nobody is ever going to truly care for me that way so now I only have one thing to look forward to.... Being thin =).